√ / X ?

It has been an internal fight lately... i want to write but what's on my mind, what i want to write about, what i should be writing, what i should be sharing or not sharing remains a question to me.

It is a difficult phase when all you are going through or experiencing are things debatable on sharing front.

Today i was just surfing and started reading a few blogs. Beautifully shared lives and growing up.

And then i wondered why am i not writing enough?

Why did i start writing in the first place? Not for people to read, not for people to judge me, not to brag about things, not for people to know me better, not to make people jealous, not to get popular but solely to create memories and to be able to look back and re-live those words laid down over here.

What if someone says... look at her, she cannot think about anything but her baby!

What if people think i have turned my blog in to a craft blog or a whining blog or mamma blog or a baby blog!

Does it really matter?

If it worried me that much, "consequences of sharing", then i better be penning down thoughts secretly in a personal diary! 

Do i write for people to read or do i write for myself? I got to decide.

Will it be fair to me if i stop writing just because someone wouldn't want to read what i am writing about?

If not to anyone, i should be fair with myself.

When i feel that i want to catch this phase of my life, i want to wrap feelings and emotions i experience for the first time (or second time or again and again) wrap into words and put in safe for me to explore five years, ten years, fifteen years down the line.

I may remember today, i may not remember today... today might be a significant day making a life altering event of my life or it might be just another day which i wont remember after a few years but these feelings i put in words will stay, will live.

I want to share so many things and at the same time dilemma pops in whether it is appropriate to share some things. 

I want to say aloud how you made me feel, i want to share how lucky i am to have you, i want to tell you how my life change because of you. 

I want to shout from the rooftop each and every development on our little bunny front, each new mischief he did and each new milestone he passed but sometimes i am not sure if i should!

With Ashu, it was easy to ask if he was comfortable on what i share but with Lil Bun, i am not sure. I tried asking him, but whatever i ask him all he gave me is an adoring, heart melting smile with twinkles in his eyes! 

Ohh how much i love my little guy.

I don't know what individual he will end up like, he might not like his mum didn't maintain his anonymity. Or may be he will love reading what / how it used to be!

Anyway as you might have already noticed from my previous post that i decided to write, to share. At the same time in my tries to balance things out a bit my little one has become what he is to us "Our Little Bunny" (or lil Bun as i call him some times). 

When he grows up he will create his own identity and totally uptp him what he wants to be!

Bun got a bug !

Our little Bunny has been unwell lately, it is so difficult to see your little one suffer. They cannot express and you cannot make out what their cries mean.

And then to add in you get bombarded with hundreds of advises and being first time parents it only makes you more confused (i bet it will be the same for second time parents as well, just they may be able to act a bit stronger ).

When he first threw up i was filled with guilt as it happened after i let him taste a grape.  He had been eyeing while i was munching them. When he picked one up one and tried to taste it, i couldn't say no and instead helped him cutting it in a small piece. 

I loved him making faces as he tasted it for the first time, as juice oozed out from a grape. And then he gulped it, my mind raced on what was i suppose to do in the case he chocked up. But he managed to take it out on his own and very next moment a burping sound and all milk came out with a piece of grape. Another burping sound and a bigger threw up covered couch and my jeans. Cleaned him and thought it might be just his chocking reflexes which made him threw up.

After a while i prepared him his potato for dinner. He ate happily.

Then came time to go to bed and a bath before that. I gave him light exercise after short massage.  He didn't seem much in a mood so tried to make him smile. As i took him in my hand and carried towards bath, here comes a burp and before i realise i was covered in potato !

Again i blamed it on not having long time before dinner and massage / exercise.

I put him to bed and when we checked on him before going to bed there he was covered in wet clothes, seems he threw up in his sleep. Again cleaned him and as he woke up in the process put him on bed between us for until he feels sleepy again. Soon enough he was going back to sleep.  I decided to give him some milk to keep hi hydrated, he has been vomiting everything he has since evening.

I switched off the lights for him to drift off in sleep, and then i hear a burp. I switched on lights and next i see him throwing out in his sleep. Again took him off bed. cleaned him, cleaned bed and changed bedsheets.  Decided not to leave him alone in his room as he didn't seem fine. Put him in cradle beside our bed and same thing again, he threw up again. 

Now it is not that he was never unwell, he has been having his share of those  cold, runny nose moments but this was different. 
This was not coincidence but it was official that our little Bunny was sick.

SICK FOR THE FIRST TIME !!! 

(Well that is also a milestone, now he can only get stronger !)

Anyway but it didn't help my guilt which started to build up, can it be as i let him taste a grape, or to be precise a fraction of a grape?

Called the Google God and it says 8-10 months so it is early, some more guilt. 

Then followed doctor visits, (who by the way didn't react to my grape story ) making him to have diluted milk in small amount every 15 mins. It was difficult to give him small quantities as he seemed hungry at times and wouldn't want to give up on bottle and then try again in a few mins when he wouldn't want to have a bottle. Battle to keep him hydrated started. 

By the evening he started feeling warm, first check 38.4 degrees. That didn't make us worry thinking that can be as he is not feeling at his best. After two hours 39.2 degrees and then it made us worry. Gave him bath to bring the fever down, we managed to get him at 38.9 and it stayed so till next day. More doctor visits, more advises. More prescription, more diarrhea. That's how went our next few days.

So now i think that was some virus he picked up from day care or by the way he has been putting everything in his mouth lately.

Just when we were happy on how good he was doing, how good he was sleeping, we are back to sleepless nights. 

It seems he is getting better though, (better with fever, vomiting,  not better with back-to-normal sleeping patterns...sigh ! ) almost back to his normal diet. Also started back with fruit purees on name of solids. Diarrhea still there but atleast it is getting better. 

And now suddenly there appears red cheeks out of no where.

Is it an ear infection?

Is it a sign he is teething?

Is it a slapped Cheek disease?

And there starts a wondering cycle. Again.