Time flies, Lil Bun flies !

Now that I started writing, all i want to do is write, write, write. 
I realized that these days are too important and they are just flying away without me locking some feelings into words! 

While we are on "Flying", it reminds me of our little Bun's first flight to be; yes yes yes he is going to fly... 
... What can be nicer than flying for the first time to meet his big Indian family ! 
     ... Lil Bun is 6 months now; everyone has been longing to see him & hug him !!
          ... He will be attending a wedding for the first time, a big fat Indian wedding !!!

All smiles :o)

It's not like he didn't have any vacations so far, he had since he was just a few weeks old (his first international getaway was nearby, to Antwerp, when he turned one month old ! )but we kept it on ground TILL NOW. 
Mainly because it has been a fight to sort out all legal documents for our lil Bun so that he can travel. 
Passport took ages due to some birth certificate error which they would not inform us until we put it in for speed up after waiting for more than 3 months. But atleast then it went fast. In a week passport was ready, next week we applied for his visa/ residence permit and now it is ready in-time for us to make it to India !

We don't know about him but we are excited and at the same time overwhelmed thinking about everything and everyone together. 

I will be meeting my brother-in-law and sister-in-law first time after our wedding ! Now that is something. 
I will be seeing my 3.5 years old nephew for the first time! 
I will be meeting new generation generation babies from old friends !!
And hopefully we will catch up with some good comfort food that we have been missing over here, if our stomach allows! 

We do not know how it will be, how lil Bun will be, how will we manage and how much will he enjoy. But he will see, he will experience, he will learn and he will grow. We think.

√ / X ?

It has been an internal fight lately... i want to write but what's on my mind, what i want to write about, what i should be writing, what i should be sharing or not sharing remains a question to me.

It is a difficult phase when all you are going through or experiencing are things debatable on sharing front.

Today i was just surfing and started reading a few blogs. Beautifully shared lives and growing up.

And then i wondered why am i not writing enough?

Why did i start writing in the first place? Not for people to read, not for people to judge me, not to brag about things, not for people to know me better, not to make people jealous, not to get popular but solely to create memories and to be able to look back and re-live those words laid down over here.

What if someone says... look at her, she cannot think about anything but her baby!

What if people think i have turned my blog in to a craft blog or a whining blog or mamma blog or a baby blog!

Does it really matter?

If it worried me that much, "consequences of sharing", then i better be penning down thoughts secretly in a personal diary! 

Do i write for people to read or do i write for myself? I got to decide.

Will it be fair to me if i stop writing just because someone wouldn't want to read what i am writing about?

If not to anyone, i should be fair with myself.

When i feel that i want to catch this phase of my life, i want to wrap feelings and emotions i experience for the first time (or second time or again and again) wrap into words and put in safe for me to explore five years, ten years, fifteen years down the line.

I may remember today, i may not remember today... today might be a significant day making a life altering event of my life or it might be just another day which i wont remember after a few years but these feelings i put in words will stay, will live.

I want to share so many things and at the same time dilemma pops in whether it is appropriate to share some things. 

I want to say aloud how you made me feel, i want to share how lucky i am to have you, i want to tell you how my life change because of you. 

I want to shout from the rooftop each and every development on our little bunny front, each new mischief he did and each new milestone he passed but sometimes i am not sure if i should!

With Ashu, it was easy to ask if he was comfortable on what i share but with Lil Bun, i am not sure. I tried asking him, but whatever i ask him all he gave me is an adoring, heart melting smile with twinkles in his eyes! 

Ohh how much i love my little guy.

I don't know what individual he will end up like, he might not like his mum didn't maintain his anonymity. Or may be he will love reading what / how it used to be!

Anyway as you might have already noticed from my previous post that i decided to write, to share. At the same time in my tries to balance things out a bit my little one has become what he is to us "Our Little Bunny" (or lil Bun as i call him some times). 

When he grows up he will create his own identity and totally uptp him what he wants to be!

Bun got a bug !

Our little Bunny has been unwell lately, it is so difficult to see your little one suffer. They cannot express and you cannot make out what their cries mean.

And then to add in you get bombarded with hundreds of advises and being first time parents it only makes you more confused (i bet it will be the same for second time parents as well, just they may be able to act a bit stronger ).

When he first threw up i was filled with guilt as it happened after i let him taste a grape.  He had been eyeing while i was munching them. When he picked one up one and tried to taste it, i couldn't say no and instead helped him cutting it in a small piece. 

I loved him making faces as he tasted it for the first time, as juice oozed out from a grape. And then he gulped it, my mind raced on what was i suppose to do in the case he chocked up. But he managed to take it out on his own and very next moment a burping sound and all milk came out with a piece of grape. Another burping sound and a bigger threw up covered couch and my jeans. Cleaned him and thought it might be just his chocking reflexes which made him threw up.

After a while i prepared him his potato for dinner. He ate happily.

Then came time to go to bed and a bath before that. I gave him light exercise after short massage.  He didn't seem much in a mood so tried to make him smile. As i took him in my hand and carried towards bath, here comes a burp and before i realise i was covered in potato !

Again i blamed it on not having long time before dinner and massage / exercise.

I put him to bed and when we checked on him before going to bed there he was covered in wet clothes, seems he threw up in his sleep. Again cleaned him and as he woke up in the process put him on bed between us for until he feels sleepy again. Soon enough he was going back to sleep.  I decided to give him some milk to keep hi hydrated, he has been vomiting everything he has since evening.

I switched off the lights for him to drift off in sleep, and then i hear a burp. I switched on lights and next i see him throwing out in his sleep. Again took him off bed. cleaned him, cleaned bed and changed bedsheets.  Decided not to leave him alone in his room as he didn't seem fine. Put him in cradle beside our bed and same thing again, he threw up again. 

Now it is not that he was never unwell, he has been having his share of those  cold, runny nose moments but this was different. 
This was not coincidence but it was official that our little Bunny was sick.

SICK FOR THE FIRST TIME !!! 

(Well that is also a milestone, now he can only get stronger !)

Anyway but it didn't help my guilt which started to build up, can it be as i let him taste a grape, or to be precise a fraction of a grape?

Called the Google God and it says 8-10 months so it is early, some more guilt. 

Then followed doctor visits, (who by the way didn't react to my grape story ) making him to have diluted milk in small amount every 15 mins. It was difficult to give him small quantities as he seemed hungry at times and wouldn't want to give up on bottle and then try again in a few mins when he wouldn't want to have a bottle. Battle to keep him hydrated started. 

By the evening he started feeling warm, first check 38.4 degrees. That didn't make us worry thinking that can be as he is not feeling at his best. After two hours 39.2 degrees and then it made us worry. Gave him bath to bring the fever down, we managed to get him at 38.9 and it stayed so till next day. More doctor visits, more advises. More prescription, more diarrhea. That's how went our next few days.

So now i think that was some virus he picked up from day care or by the way he has been putting everything in his mouth lately.

Just when we were happy on how good he was doing, how good he was sleeping, we are back to sleepless nights. 

It seems he is getting better though, (better with fever, vomiting,  not better with back-to-normal sleeping patterns...sigh ! ) almost back to his normal diet. Also started back with fruit purees on name of solids. Diarrhea still there but atleast it is getting better. 

And now suddenly there appears red cheeks out of no where.

Is it an ear infection?

Is it a sign he is teething?

Is it a slapped Cheek disease?

And there starts a wondering cycle. Again.

He is 4 Months Already !

He is 4 months old already, Okay 4 months and 4 days to be precise. 

Time does fly !

At times, he looks clueless and blank, and then comes a moment when he is as engaging as ever. That might leave us in confusion but then there are some moments which makes us feel he does understand more than what we think they might be.

How else comes that heart-melting smile when we wish him good morning before picking him up in the morning?

How else he holds our hand so tight while going to sleep at night and even keeps checking if we are still there in between slipping in sound sleep?

How else he looks at us at the end of the room when we call him?

He might be just 4 months old, but when we look at him it sure feels like he has been in our lives for longer.

He might not know meaning of mummy and papa, but he does seem to be understanding difference between people he lives with, people he knows and people he doesn't know.

We thought he was not choosy of the company he keeps but he surprised us the day he turned 4 months old, but showing clear preferences on how he knows who is carrying him.

He started rolling over quite early, before he turned 3 months and really enjoys the view of world around him that way. 

We are trying to keep him away from watching TV atleast till he is a few months old, but as soon as he hears TV he will turn to watch it at 180  degree angle, leaving us no other option but to restrain ourselves from TV while he is awake. 

Same with Mac, when we bring him to chat with his grandparents, uncle and aunt on skype, he will go quiet and will just stare at screen. After a while he will get bored and start looking out of window ! No show off of the recent acquired skills for anyone...hmm.

So it is only for people who live with him to see that now he can hold things, he can aim for the toys hanging over his head, pull them, and bring anything he gets hold of to his mouth.

He even holds his bottle himself, and really shouts hard when he keeps pushing it out of his mouth instead in his excited mood and we try to help him keep it there. He wants to do so many things all at the same time and is too distracted to concentrate on any one thing.

He tries to imitate speech sounds when we talk with him but then later end up just shouting on his own, getting over-excited !

He laughs like anything, can do yoga by trying to perform Chakrasana, Halasana, Janusirsasana, Paścimottānāsana ... aah and not to forget Śavāsana ofcourse when he sleeps !

Wait Bun. is calling me.

Yes dear?

Mom, Is there any asana where you put your feet in your mouth, i have been doing that as well right?

Bun. darling, this is mom's blog and she writes (???) here so better you have your own blog for all the questions and things you want to say, ask and write.

Okay mom, wait and watch then... i will have my own diary and i will not let you even read it.

Arrrm, ummm. hmmm. 

Kids. :/

Haha, so that is all of him for now. 

With his mumma, me, things are going alright as well. Settled back in work-home routine. 
Also trying to revive my cooking blog, now that i am back to cook more regularly after mom went back India, let's see how well it  goes.

Good to be back doing so many things i enjoy and to be back to blogging. :-)

Being a mom !

I have been busy again, for well known reasons!

If I have to summarize this new experience or new phase of life in a few words i would say "you can never IMAGINE the life, emotions and love you experience with a baby in your life, you only know when you have one."

I often heard that you cannot imagine your life with a baby until you have one and you cannot imagine your life without  them once you have them. Now i know better what it meant. 

Aaah and now that i am back to work talking in language of Projects - This will be the most difficult, most challenging and most satisfying project you will ever handle, if you manage this project well, there won't be any other project in the world which you cannot manage! 

We have evolved from what we were last year. We thought we had it all figured out, we knew what it means to love someone, to care for someone but as soon as our Little Bunny arrived in our lives it all seemed naive.

We always liked babies but it is different when it is your own. You know their flaws and still you cannot help being blind and behaving as they rightly say for parents the most perfect and beautiful baby in the world is their own. 

I didn't know i was capable of loving someone with any more intensity than i already did. However that feeling didn't come over the night.  

For Ashu, it was a love at first sight, i saw it in his eyes when he saw our lil Bun for the first time in operation room and he went speechless. He stood there staring at him murmuring something like Lopa you should see this; it is the most incredible thing and the most beautiful baby!

I was more like yes we have a baby and it took me some time to sink it in that this little baby was really inside me all this time. I even missed him in my belly whenever i touched it and i didn't get a kick back in response!

As days passed, i could feel the emotions building up (which might be hormones actually!) and the love. 

Now that i am back at work there stands my insecurities about leaving him at day care, about not being able to spend enough time with him and then losing sleep on what if he wouldn't recognize me as his mom as he hardly sees me during whole day!

I know i shouldn't worry and it all falls in place, but now i can see how motherhood and worrying over small things go hand in hand. Now i understand better why our mom's always keep worrying about us.

Yup, i have it all figured out.... They are side-effects of being a mom!

And he is here...

 He is here, Finally !! 

After 3 sleepless days and nights, and too many paracetamols to help me catch up some sleep, it all failed.

We ended up in hospital being induced. 

Epidural didn't work first time, so after an hour it was removed to try it again second time but this time also it worked only on right side and not on left.

After painful hours of waiting, epidural wore off (which was not much effective anyway ), greenish amniotic fluid, not much progress even after IV, contractions one mins apart, it was decided to wait till midnight and make a decision based on progress as it was not advisable to go like that next day. 

At midnight doctor decided to go for a c-section looking at not much progress.

Our Little Bunny was here on 23rd May 2012, 1:30 am. 

Weighted 3.45 kgs, Length 50cms.

We stayed in hospital for 3 days, during which lil Bun met with his first accident when his changing table came off the wall while his papa was changing his diaper with nurse's assistance  Luckily lil Bun. fell off on his papa's legs and didn't have any injury but it was traumatic at first. (Almost all staff came and apologized , it was ok when he was not hurt but what if he was ! ). 

Anyway all those pains are left behind and we are home now. 

We are busy adjusting with new schedules and doing better day by day.

Thank you all for checking on us and sending wishes our ways. 

With this update, template of this Blog comes full circle. It's been a journey, and a journey i wouldn't want anything to change from it !

Little Bunny Welcome on our Blog.  Hope you will enjoy it as much as your mummy n papa do.

We are expecting...!

After family it was time to inform friends and colleagues. I informed my boss straight away so that he knows reasons for me feeling sick. 

More than me Suz was curious on when do i tell other colleagues, she kept asking me when will i as she wanted her dream to be true in a real sense that i inform the news and she can hug me openly showing how happy she felt ! 

We decided on informing everyone after our first ultrasound so that we know everything is well and good. I had my first ultrasound at 11 weeks and i informed to my department colleagues the very same day, more because Suz was getting impatient! hehe

Next week we invited some of the friends at our home and i baked a cake specially to announce the news to them.

Ashu went by saying "We are going to have a new member in our group; only thing is there will be a big age difference / generation gap". And then we presented the cake which read "We are expecting !!

Dream which came true...

After the big news for us, it was time to pass on the same to our families. I was so confused and felt so unprepared on how to unfold it to everyone. Also we wanted to wait till the confirmation with doctor before we tell anyone. It was not that difficult to wait as we had already plans of flying over to Milan for a long weekend.

We were hoping for some nice shopping time and good Italian food, well the trip didn't turn out exactly what we expected, atleast for me. The morning sickness / nausea suddenly kicked in making me feeling sick almost all the time while there. All i wanted to do was to sleep as i felt tired and exhausted.

I couldn't eat anything as suddenly i developed aversion towards tomato and cheese, and if you know Italian cooking it is difficult not to have them especially with me being vegetarian.

We did manage some shopping and walking around the street. And i enjoyed Italian ice-cream, so yummy!

But you know somehow you start relating things with the state of mind you were in at that particular moment, so till today all the dresses i wore while i was there just glimpse of them reminds me of nausea and how awful i felt. I haven't been able to wore any of those again (well, they don't fit me also anymore but still). 

By the way this is what we found while walking on the streets of Milan. Aaahn romantic Italians ! ;o)

Anyway we flew back, went to doctor, and got the confirmation but i was still confused as it was still based on the same pregnancy test i did back home. In India things work differently, it is common to have an ultrasound done on your first visit but here they didn't check anything, wishes us congratulations and passed on midwife references to select one from.

I made an appointment with midwife, and they don't give you appointment until you are 8 weeks along, so I was a bit more confused. How do I tell everyone without a proper check-up and confirmation!

First appointment came, and again nothing. As first appointment is suppose to be counseling one and then they don't check or do ultrasound. They wait until week 11-12 for the first ultrasound.

Now i was losing patience and we decided to start telling people around us anyway, if not all atleast we have to start with our families.

I decided to inform them by writing them.

I wrote letters to my parents, parents-in-laws, my brother, sister, and Ashu's brother.

Write up varied but basically it went with similar concept.

First page said “They said always be positive and you know what we got positive today?"

Then inside i stick a picture of positive pregnancy test result and it read, "Yes got it right, Congratulations to be grand parents!”

The one i wrote to my sister was different than those. She was getting married in January and teased me just a few weeks back that it will be so nice if you plan family now then when you come to wedding we have your shower function as well and i laughed it out saying it is too late for that to plan.

So she got the first ever letter from little one. I don't remember exact wording but it went something like this...

Page 1 Front:

"Hi,

I heard you are getting married in January, and you expressed a wish for me also to be present there.

Well I heard you and just wanted to know that I will be there to attend your wedding"

Page 2 Inside:

"Congratulations Masi" (Masi = maternal aunt)

I sent both letters for my brother and sister together and i asked him to video shoot her reaction when she reads it and to send me. Well he did what i asked. At first she read the first page and gave a confused look on what it is? And then as she read inside she just laughed and laughed for full 5 mins, before uttering a word. I do still have that video and i crack up every time i watch it!

Can Dreams be real? ( Part # 2)

After the negative test, somehow i could not accept that test result, though it was likely to be true. I checked the stick after 5 mins, 10 mins, 15 mins and then i threw it in dustbin.

At night after cleaning when i opened the dustbin to throw some more garbage, i saw a very light second line appearing on the pregnancy kit. I couldn't help checking it a few more times.

When we went to bed i could not fall asleep. To clear my mind I took my phone and started googling on accuracy of home pregnancy tests.

It read - good time for test is early morning with first urine. During the day time it is possible not to have accurate result. I decided to do the test again in the morning.

So far i hadn't told Ashu about the negative test or something. It wasn't that we were planning for sometime but still somehow i was so convinced that morning test will be positive and then i will tell him giving him a surprise. So now laying in bed my mind went journeying on how to tell him, what will he react? How shall i announce it to him? Finally i decided something and fall asleep.

In the morning i woke up early. Rushed to bathroom and took the test. I was so convinced already on the outcome, and it did come true to my expectations when i looked at the stick.

I ran upstairs to the study room.

Took a card paper (which i had bought thinking to create home-made cards, someday!), scribbled a few words with sketch pen.

Folded it and inside glued the stick with result. (Yes i did wash it before doing all this)

Then i took the paper, went to bedroom where Ashu's mobile was charging and placed it beneath his cell so he will read when he will go for his cell before leaving for office.

Then i continued with routine. Went for a shower. Ashu was in hurry to leave early for some morning meeting so we hardly talked.

I was upstairs ironing my dress when i heard him calling that he is leaving. I heard him going to charging point for cell.

Silence for a minute.

Then i heard him calling me...

Lopiiii...is this true?

In two minutes he was upstairs in ironing room running with that hand-written paper in his hand.

He looked at me. smiled.

"Really?"

"hmm"

He couldn't stop repeating it for a minute and then he hugged me tight, we stood there like that and we danced for a minute with our eyes wet :)

So that was the day we knew, we had our little one coming.

I took doctor appointment for next week, and then the wait started.

That was 22nd September 2011.

PS. I did tell Suz about my doctor appointment, and she couldn't be any more excited. She called me especially in the evening for confirmation after i returned from doctor! After all she was the only one who knew even before we knew!

Can Dreams be real? ( Part # 1)

It was month of September. I had been quite busy with a project at work past few months, doing overtime almost everyday. But it was about to get over as project Go-live date was approaching just in 2 weeks.

In laws had just gone back to India from a 10 weeks visit, it was just last 2 days or so i was not doing over-time and still i felt exhausted and tired. I thought it might be a break-down. My body has reached a point and cannot do anymore, this is what exhaustion is.

I was thinking this, sitting at my desk in the morning and a colleague came to me smiling. Let's call her Suz. She comes and tells me i had you in my dream yesterday.

Aaah, now that was a surprise.

So.... what was it about?

I had a dream that you are pregnant !

huh?

Yes, we were sitting here at my desk, you came there and were sitting in a chair next to me and then told me that you are pregnant. I was so happy, we hugged and i was telling you that i am so happy for you.

hehe that's funny :)

Is it true, are you?

No, i am not.

Ya it is weird that i had such a dream, else before this i never had a dream about you.

hmm ya, strange.

So we laughed a bit and got back to work.

In the evening, i was felling tired and could not take it anymore. So i informed in the office that i am leaving a bit early today.

Suz looked at me from behind her desktop and commented:

May be you are pregnant ! That's a sign. You feel tired when you are.

I laughed and left for home. While driving back home, i kept thinking whether it is possible.

I was late only by 2 days and that was normal considering all the stress at work. Whenever too stressed and exhausted i had been late even a week before. So there was nothing new in that.

But somehow i couldn't shrug the thoughts off.

I kept thinking if it was possible possible, to clear my mind i decided to take home pregnancy test.

I took the home pregnancy test as soon as i reached home and guess what?

It came Negative !!

So may be that was just a dream, and not all dreams are real !!

21st September 2011

Learning... looking back at life.

There are all kinds of people in the world and everyone provokes some kind of thoughts and emotions inside you. Well some can be not-so-thought-provoking as well! hehe

Some times i see some people, and you can see that they just assume superiority. Sometimes may be based on how they grew up, or sometimes from which part of world they come from, sometimes how well they did in school and that sometimes list goes on.

How you have been brought up plays very important role ofcourse, sometimes you get things you never had or imagined in life before and so when you face them it gets overwhelming. That time the values you held comes handy to help you keep your feet firm rooted.

When I was dwelling on these thoughts it reminded me of my own experiences. If it wasn't for all the experiences in life, we would be still those frogs in the well. It was an experience to study in India, (as it would be anywhere in the world) and fun as well.

When we were in engineering college and did any fun/ mischievous things students will do in that age, our professors kept reminding us "you are engineers and this is not how you behave" so it kept coming to that you are suppose to be this or that way. When you keep listening that all the time directly or indirectly it trains mind to think ohh we are some great species, more intelligent, superior to others!!

I remember our head of the department telling us "if this is how you wanted to behave, you are at a wrong college, better go and join adjoining college." (That happened to be “just” an arts and commerce college)

Time flew and we all graduated, proud to be engineers. Some decided to start their professional lives and some decided to study further.

I took up MBA; it was a batch with maximum number of engineers. Initially as the year progressed the class seemed to be split in those groups according to educational backgrounds. Engineers thought that they were superiors and will remain together in a group and Commerce guys used to think they were some egoistic creatures suffering from superiority complex. By the way this also was no good as now we were always reminded that “you are going to be future managers, this is not how you behave” or simply “maintain the decorum of XYZ School”.

But this time our own experience helped us. As soon as first semester was in full fledge with all blend of different subject the differences within started to fad away.

Engineers started having difficulties with accounts and Commerce guys with subjects related to Operations and Production Management etc.

They started helping each other. Engineers realized they are not superior when they couldn't answer all the questions asked in economics and accounting. As time passed both learned, both helped each other and it blended so nicely. And when one enters the professional life, there is no way to survive is you close yourself in the shell of superiority. Those experience taught this very important lesson of life that every one is special, everyone knows something that you can learn from.

Lesson which is still helping me and may be most important one to survive and live happily in today's world.

Being jealous or just staying aloof in your complex whether superiority on inferiority won't help, but learning from others and enhancing yourself will.

Cultural difference

An Asian woman and a Dutch man falls in love and gets married.

They are expecting their first baby.

When the due date comes, a beautiful baby girl is born and all are very excited.

When Asian mother sees her grandchild first time, she frowns.... "too little hair !?!?"

When Dutch mother sees her grandchild, she exclaims in excitement.... "wow so much hair !!!"

That my dear friends is also a type of "Cultural differences"!

Photo Courtsey: http://comps.canstockphoto.com/can-stock-photo_csp6118974.jpg

slow, fast, bye, welcome...

Some times we take things slow, not because we want to !

Some times we want to take things slow, not because we have to !

2012 is here and 2011 could not have been any faster, at least for us !

May be because it felt as if we were vacationing almost most of the time, may be because 2011 was par above expectations, May be as most of the wishes from 2011 got fulfilled even though it meant looking to fly from that cliff of bankruptcy ! Well in that case 2012 will be slow, not because we want to, but may be because falling from that cliff forces us to.

Good thing is the project which kept me very busy last year is finally done. So i am hoping from 2012 that this year will let me keep more account of my life expressing it in words and sharing, the way i liked it. Ofcourse conditions apply, which might be that our personal project doesn't keep us very busy.

But we will see.

For time being, all i have to say is...... 2012 bring it on, i cannot be more happy to embrace you :)

It might be late, but it is never too late and it is better to be late than never so here i am wishing you all a very happy and successful 2012. Have a good time, and you will if you truly follow what your hearts.

For now, bye till the next time.

Picture: Welcoming 2012 in Paris.

Yes, got it right.... that was me jumping on the car at midnight.